My Journey in BDSM is Incomplete (and brainworms hurt) //cognito-hazard: channer culture

I wrote this little article about my life and then saved it to a hard drive and never posted it anywhere. I would occasionally add to it from time to time but never felt like it was finished.

Please forgive the formatting it's from a time when I used a website that really liked this kind of formatting with the short snippets of text instead of sentences. This kind of formatting is called "greentext" by some because the websites where this formatting is common would render the text green when the line is started with a "greater-than" (>) sign. "Leftypol" was a board on the website which is a place where posts are grouped under a particular topic, this one being for left-wing politics.

You'll notice that I used the lowercase "i" when referring to myself and I still do in casual conversation and that's because of how I see myself as not worthy of having the word referring to myself capitalized.

Now obviously there are some very bad ideas in this article and i will definitely be dispelling them soon but for now I just wanted to share my experience with my thoughts on bdsm and sex in general because I feel very alone in feeling this way. In my experience, most people really like at least light bdsm.

This doesn't feel finished and that's part of why i hesitated posting it, I thought that surely I should have a nice funny ending but that isn't how life works. I share it with you today as an example of how you can definitely get in your own head and brainworms can eat you alive until you're miserable. Don't do this!

On the other hand I definitely still feel a lot of what I wrote and although I know logically that I'm not worthless, that doesn't stop the feeling and some days it can be unbearable.

These feelings have been an absolute nightmare for any chance of feeling good during sex on my end. It thoroughly killed my sex drive even though I am normally very sexual.

Trigger Warning for channer culture, bad self-talk, and idk what you call it but that thing where you try to do something you don't want to do in order to please someone else in the bedroom.

>be me
>16 y/o futa
>mostly uninterested in bdsm
>lots of fetishes
>only a few kinks
>very accepting of others
>try to help other people orgasm by including their kinks and stuff
>even when i'm not turned on i wanna help people have fun
>always feel so bad because i have a hard time getting off with others
>am really really good at giving blowjobs, been complimented a lot for it
>literally everyone i talk to loves bdsm
>never met someone interested in me that didn't absolutely love it
>people like to physically abuse me in bed and i hate it
>still put up with it tho and pretend it's great because i like them
>absolutely hate myself for finding the abuse unappealing
>lose my boner whenever i feel pain
>thoughts in my head run wild during and after sex, things like
>"obviously i shouldn't hate it because other people like it"
>"i'm just being a prude, i should just suck it up"
>"i'm sure the pain is worth it if i just keep pushing through"
>"i'll learn to like it eventually"
>"i just gotta get used to it"
>"i deserve the pain though because i'm worthless"
>"i don't deserve to orgasm because i'm worthless"
>"sex is for other people, not for me"
>"i need to learn to better please others"
>"if i want to be useful i gotta do it"
>"i just want people to be happy"
>"i just want to help my partner"
>"i just wanna be a good girl"
>realize these sound like things a sub would probably say
>that means i am a sub
>start calling myself a sub publicly
>the people who are interested in me start to get more dommy because of it
>i end up with bruises and bites all over
>sore a whole week afterwards
>start feeling like sex isn't for me, maybe i'm ace
>definitely not ace though, very interested in sex and want desperately to cum
>also want to be loved
>maybe this is how the people who like missionary are made, needs more research
>not interested in missionary though
>really like getting handjobs, my favorite thing to receive
>someone says "why get someone else to do that when you can do it to yourself better?"
>obviously she's mistaken, handies are the best thing ever
>being held and massaged down there and gently squeezed
>so perfect, so hot, so erotic
>realize i am a "pillow princess"
>wait pillow princesses don't do anything
>that means they don't help their partner get off
>oh fuck, i really am worthless
>lose erection because i realize how worthless i am
>this becomes a constant cycle
>randomly chance upon someone saying something about "praise kink"
>"ok google, what's praise kink"
>google says "you are, motherfucker"
>oh shit i have a kink
>it's a worthless kink though and no one who likes bdsm gives a shit about praise kink
>i'm worthless for having such a lame kink
>i should be so ashamed that i never tell anyone about it
>never tells anyone about it
>years later i end up detransitioning for a year
>starts hrt again when i finally get monetarily able to
>feel so half-hearted about it
>get a new gf because i was the first transgender user of /leftypol/ and i accidentally transed her
(that part is very likely some exaggeration, I highly doubt I was the "first" but she and I joke that I was)
>new gf says "just take care of yourself better and you'll feel better"
>"just take care of yourself"
>"just"
>another confirmation i am worthless
>can't even do that right, can't even take care of myself
>new gf is ace and also somewhat submissive so at least i don't have to deal with bruising anymore
>she's not attracted to me but at least she cares enough to try to tell me how to fix things
>i don't deserve her, or anyone really
>i should just be grateful i have her